If not now, then when?

I have become a victim of inertia.

In so many different times in my life, I've allowed myself to become stagnant... I've done it in work, I've done it in personal relationships... Sometimes I say that I'm just "comfortable" but in many cases I now realize that the underlying factor is fear.

My #1 love is theatre. (Of course I love blogging too, hee hee) At the age of 14 I became a student at a performing arts high school (think Fame) and even then, I said "I'm going to do this now because it's fun, but this isn't a practical career, so I won't be doing it professionally." Because of this, and a series of personal troubles, I left the drama program half way through my third year (it's a 4 year program) and wound up graduating high school at another school all together. What is it about practicality that is so embedded into a teenage heart that allows her to squash her own dreams? Well, here it is: Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of not being able to pay my bills. Fear of rejection. I could keep going, but I think you get the picture.

A few years later I decided to hell with fear, I'm going to apply to study radio broadcasting. Except my first application was never completed, so of course I wasn't accepted. It took a few years and a few dead end jobs that I loathed (and made me loathe myself) before my best friend forced me to apply again, but this time, complete the application. I got in... and within the first week they told us that in radio, you make no money.... I finished the program, but then became paralyzed with fear of moving away again, starting somewhere new, and of course impending student loan payments, and a long diet of nothing but Ramen that I never pursued it.

So it comes to this... I lost my corporate job, and I've spent the last 5 months living my life. I've done a lot of inner work, and spent many an hour on Facebook. I've applied for the odd job here and there, and even went for a couple of interviews. But I haven't been applying myself. In the last 5 months, I've been a passive participant in my own life.

A couple of weeks back a friend suggested I join the mailing list for Tama Kieves and author who's book was also recommended to me, but I haven't gotten around to reading yet. (When I do, rest assured the review will be here.) She sent out a newsletter a week or so back and the subject line read: "If you don't start living your dreams now, when will you?" I didn't open the message... Again, I was afraid of what it would say. If the subject line was enough to haunt me, what sort of life changing message would be within it. But you know what happened? It haunted me anyways... and then suddenly, I just decided to be active in my life again. Like a flick of a switch. In the last week I've started working on a fundraiser for my next play (which I said I couldn't do until I was working again to fund it - HA!) and a new business that will help me release my inner healer (something I thought I couldn't do without extensive training). These are two areas I've really wanted to focus on for the last several months, but kept making excuses for why I couldn't do what I really love. Well... pardon me for saying so but FUCK excuses. If not now - then WHEN?

I wish I could give you the exact recipe because I know when I was stuck in inertia, if someone said "if you just do this then you can have your life back" but I don't have any secrets to share. I think maybe you just need to find something to light a fire under your butt. Maybe it'll be this blog post, or maybe a subject line in an email, or a Facebook status. (I did put that quote as mine.) Whatever it is, I hope you find it soon. Because there is always a choice: we choose inertia, even when it doesn't seem that way. We think we have to be paralyzed by fear, but we don't. So find some inspiration and go out and do what you love: I promise you, it's good for the soul.