The next chapter

It's been nearly two months since my last post, and I've uncovered so much about myself in that time, that I wish I'd been more diligent about updating this blog.

I remember my first realization was this: Love is Source energy... So what does this mean? For the majority of my life, I've been able to love as though I'd never been hurt. But the last few years, I've been stingy with love. I've kept it for those I'd already deemed worthy, people I knew were safe to love (or if not safe, I knew what I was in for). I was so worried about a rejection of my love, I feared the unworthiness I thought I had would be rubbed in my face. In doing so, I was not only denying my true nature (someone who loved in abundance) but also cutting myself off from Source.

It has been nearly a year now since I began my inner work, and I've opened myself up to love in many ways. I'm still working on other aspects (like how love plays into sexuality, where are my boundaries, how will I trust again) and as I've said to people I love over and over, I am a work in progress. And for once, that doesn't feel like a bad thing. I'm actually quite excited for the journey.

Professionally I've had another set back, well sort of. Thanks to the turn in the economy, I was laid off from a job that paid well but made me miserable back in May. I think this is the happiest period I've ever experienced in my life. My dad says it's because I'm not working, and while I think that may be part of it, moreover it's that I'm not living a life outside of my path. On numerous occasions I've referred to my 4 year stint in the corporate world as being a square peg in a round hole... I never quite fit in. I seeked silent rebellion (mostly with radical hair cuts or colours) trying to get a rise. I tried to conform, but business clothes didn't feel like a uniform, I just felt like a poseur, uncomfortable in my own skin from 9 to 5. I felt like I was living a lie - because I was. I was good at my job because I'm great with people and have a knack for creativity, but I was interested in my industry, or helping big business, or making someone else a buck. When all was said and done (not just the lay off, but after the 13 weeks it took to receive my severance) I felt freer than ever. The anger that was living beneath my breast was released in a giant sigh, and I burst free, wings spread. And the best part is - every opportunity has been opened to me.

I knew from my journey back in June that I wanted to help people. But this presented me with SO many possibilities! I became frustrated by the abundance (if you can believe it) and beat myself up for not just picking something and going with it. I thought I was being flakey, but I realize now I'm just in a state of receiving information. When someone feels right, I will know it. Currently I'm most excited about pursuing midwifery - but it's still in the investigative phase. I've also looked at a variety of other healing paths. But a friend pointed out that healing doesn't necessarily mean Reiki or Massage or Accupuncture. And I can be a healer with my interactions with others - it doesn't have to be a career path. And I do. I heal people with my words. I am a sounding board, and I try to listen without judgement, but even when i do, I come from a place of love. I love with my entire being, and I am blessed to be surrounded by people who are happy to receive it. And it heals me to heal them with my love. We are all connected.
I have a friend who is a serial monogamist. Even when she is in a relationship with someone she feels doesn't have long term (or simply marriage) potential, she stays with them because she needs the companionship. I've said to her on a few occasions "But how are you supposed to find the love of your life, if your life is filled with someone else?" This does not only apply to relationships, it can include loving yourself (how many parents do you know neglect their own needs and cease to be their own people but morph entirely into only being the parent of their children?), and definitely career wise. Now I realize that it's not practical if you're ill prepared to walk out of a job with nothing on the horizon to find your true life's passion. But if you can set time every single day to determine what that life's passion is, and make sure that above all else, you haven't put yourself in a "stuck" mind set where you are unable to leave your unhappy situation, then you can find it. You can find happiness. But you need to believe it's out there, and you need to believe it's true. By doing this you can manifest good things for yourself. You just need to know what you want, know you deserve it, and invest the time in believing it can happen.

And above all else - and maybe I've said this before - but please... know that you are WORTH IT. There is a scene in the movie "Me and You and Everyone We Know" that goes like this:

Christine Jesperson: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles.
Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.
Christine Jesperson: I don't think I deserve it.
Richard Swersey: Well, not consciously maybe.
Christine Jesperson: My ankles are just low...
Richard Swersey: People think that foot pain is a fact of life, but life is actually better than that.

And it's true... Life is actually better than that.

Sending you lots of love and light for a wonderful week,
SB